3:48am - sigh
Jul. 25th, 2005 04:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
groovychkSo it's been three weeks since he left and almost that long since he got "married".
To a whore he says he wasn't fucking before he left our bed. Yeah. I believe that.
"Marry" some loser you haven't even dated a few days after you leave your promised future wife that you've been with for the better part of five years?
I'm awake at 3:48am. Gotta get up for work in a few hours. I've just gotten up out of bed because sleep isn't coming.
Took a valium. Waiting for it to kick in. Trying not to lose my job. I have a new house to pay for that was planned on two incomes with only my own.
He hasn't even picked up all his stuff yet. I'm moving into the house we had built for us on Friday.
Yeah. This is a nightmare that won't end.
He raised my hopes and dreams and then ripped them apart. Without a sane thought.
I loved this man with everything I had and devoted my life to him. He throws it in my face and spits on me.
Lies. Betrayal. Of the kind our ancestors used to fight wars over. Kill for. Have duels about....
In the past I've continued to care for everyone I've been with after we split. Even those that dumped me.....
This is eating at me day by day and hour by hour. A burning hatred is growing.
I'm a "good" person. I'm kind and considerate. I will break my back to help my friends. At worst - I try to show I care if nothing else.
Several things are alien here.... This isn't going away. My inability to hold grudges and harbor hatred isn't kicking in.
The hate and hurt are growing. This man was a monster to me. I would truly prefer that he had offed me or did me in with
contact poison. I despise how I feel. Dark, nasty, capable of bad.
Some small part of my core is still inside. It wants to be compasionate to this obviously fucked up man that I loved... but this time....
this time I can't afford that. I can't afford it because it will destroy me. My true nature wants me to let him know I'll be there when he's in desperate need....
I can't be. It - will - destroy me.
He has made his choice. As insane and hurtful and thoughtless and sociopathic and selfish and destructive as it is. He's made a fucked up and stupid choice.
It is a permanent choice that can't be undone. It's as if he raped me or did physical harm to me. It can't be undone.
Even if he saw the light and repented tomorrow and annulled the atrocity he committed. There can never be any trust again. There can never be any anything again.
It's odd - he used to harbor this defensive thing about me in regards to others. One man in particular really tried to fuck up my life with viscious rumors. We both despised
that loser. Wanted him to come to harm.
Over time it has faded. The guy is just a weasley idiot. The harm he did persist but I have survived it.
Now my defender has become a far greater threat to my well-being then that other jerk ever was. He has done more to harm me than any individual in the history of my life.
When he shows up to get the last of his stuff, if he does, I will try to be cold and contain myself. I will have stuff to say for sure. But I'll try to keep it emotionless.
He is a stranger to me now. The man I loved is dead. Once he walks through the door of our house with the last of his stuff he walks into oblivion.
David Mitchell will cease to exist to me and I will set about to erase any trace that he ever existed in my life.
No stories will be told, no good times remembered, no safe harbor of last resort will exist for him.
Ah... a little unfocused. It's kicking in. Off to try to sleep again.
To a whore he says he wasn't fucking before he left our bed. Yeah. I believe that.
"Marry" some loser you haven't even dated a few days after you leave your promised future wife that you've been with for the better part of five years?
I'm awake at 3:48am. Gotta get up for work in a few hours. I've just gotten up out of bed because sleep isn't coming.
Took a valium. Waiting for it to kick in. Trying not to lose my job. I have a new house to pay for that was planned on two incomes with only my own.
He hasn't even picked up all his stuff yet. I'm moving into the house we had built for us on Friday.
Yeah. This is a nightmare that won't end.
He raised my hopes and dreams and then ripped them apart. Without a sane thought.
I loved this man with everything I had and devoted my life to him. He throws it in my face and spits on me.
Lies. Betrayal. Of the kind our ancestors used to fight wars over. Kill for. Have duels about....
In the past I've continued to care for everyone I've been with after we split. Even those that dumped me.....
This is eating at me day by day and hour by hour. A burning hatred is growing.
I'm a "good" person. I'm kind and considerate. I will break my back to help my friends. At worst - I try to show I care if nothing else.
Several things are alien here.... This isn't going away. My inability to hold grudges and harbor hatred isn't kicking in.
The hate and hurt are growing. This man was a monster to me. I would truly prefer that he had offed me or did me in with
contact poison. I despise how I feel. Dark, nasty, capable of bad.
Some small part of my core is still inside. It wants to be compasionate to this obviously fucked up man that I loved... but this time....
this time I can't afford that. I can't afford it because it will destroy me. My true nature wants me to let him know I'll be there when he's in desperate need....
I can't be. It - will - destroy me.
He has made his choice. As insane and hurtful and thoughtless and sociopathic and selfish and destructive as it is. He's made a fucked up and stupid choice.
It is a permanent choice that can't be undone. It's as if he raped me or did physical harm to me. It can't be undone.
Even if he saw the light and repented tomorrow and annulled the atrocity he committed. There can never be any trust again. There can never be any anything again.
It's odd - he used to harbor this defensive thing about me in regards to others. One man in particular really tried to fuck up my life with viscious rumors. We both despised
that loser. Wanted him to come to harm.
Over time it has faded. The guy is just a weasley idiot. The harm he did persist but I have survived it.
Now my defender has become a far greater threat to my well-being then that other jerk ever was. He has done more to harm me than any individual in the history of my life.
When he shows up to get the last of his stuff, if he does, I will try to be cold and contain myself. I will have stuff to say for sure. But I'll try to keep it emotionless.
He is a stranger to me now. The man I loved is dead. Once he walks through the door of our house with the last of his stuff he walks into oblivion.
David Mitchell will cease to exist to me and I will set about to erase any trace that he ever existed in my life.
No stories will be told, no good times remembered, no safe harbor of last resort will exist for him.
Ah... a little unfocused. It's kicking in. Off to try to sleep again.
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no subject
Date: 2005-07-25 07:36 pm (UTC)Things will get better.. though not overnight as much as we would like.
btw .. found your journal via a friends.
no subject
Date: 2005-07-25 07:54 pm (UTC)It all happened too quickly and is too crazy. Extremely difficult to assimilate.
I'm spending every evening at my parents right now. One of my friends at work provides a little comfort during the day.
It's really bad this time though. Not like bad things haven't happened before but this feels different. And it's not even over yet. I cry everytime I go into the new house and I haven't even closed on it yet.
no subject
Date: 2005-07-25 08:11 pm (UTC)Well as a short sumamry on my experience.. 7 years.. engaged.. moved across country twice.. and was dropped over the phone for a guy that had some more kinks and a few personality disorders than me.. I guess is how you would put it.. nicely.
If you ever want a Buddhist to unload to feel free to look me up. IM is in my userinfo.. I work at home so I'm usally around 90% of any given day.
no subject
Date: 2005-07-25 08:17 pm (UTC)Over the phone... that's beautiful. Such wonderful creatures humans are.
My first engagement ended on the morning I lost my job back in the late twentieth century. First job I had lost - so it was an especially good time.
This one never got to engagement. Just promises of engagement and a virtual common law marriage. Damn I love me some Homo Sapiens.